So you want to get in to Kanjani8
So, you want to listen to Kanjani8. Perhaps you’ve seen your friends listening to them, maybe seen their faces everywhere on the internet, maybe someone linked you to some music video, or maybe you have some friend that simply won’t shut the fuck up about them and you’ve reached your wits end and finally gave in.
Whatever the case maybe, this easy guide is written to introduce you, the unfortunate one, to that which is Kanjani8.
1. What is Kanjohnny… Can…janny… Kanjanee… Infinity… Eight… Whatever… ANYWAY?
Kanjani Eight – noun. (kahn jan ee eight)
Kanjani8 are a group of men from Japan, the Kansai region of Japan more specifically. The Kansai region is known for loud mouth people who speak like hicks and have no manners. They also like saying Nandeyanen (Japanese for self go fuck) a lot and inflicting pain each other. They’re totally tsundere.
Obviously this is a very general observation but Kanjani8 pretty much embodies that stereotype.
Anyway, Kanjani∞ is Japanese for ” Can’t sing, can’t dance, untalented men times infinity “. But because they wanted to promote a more positive image to any potential western fans, they decided to change the meaning to, ” Kansai Johnny’s Eight “. By inverting the number eight, they thought they could be witty (LOL INFINITY, GET IT? LOL OHHH MAN SO FUNNY). But in truth its because they can’t count. Kanjani Eight is a boyband made up of seven members, not eight.
BUT IT DOESN’T MATTER CAUSE LOL PUNS, AMIRITE?
There was an eighth member, but everyone at their talent agency acts as if it never happened.
The group was created by a child molester entertainment mogul by the name of Johnny Kitagawa. Nothing else can be said because he’ll probably sue me for defamation like he did that publishing company.
2. Who is Kaaaahhnnnnnjohnny8?!
Because they’re a boyband, there’s a member for every girl or guy! Like them bitchy? Cute? Manly? A whore? Kanjani8 pretty much is a rainbow collation (literally) of unrealistically archetypical men. You can pick your favorite and claim him for your very own! ISN’T THAT GREAT?!
The Singer:
Want your man to be able to sing? Unfortunately, Kanjani8 doesn’t have much to offer in this department but from what they do have, his name is Shibutani Subaru. And yes, despite that small stature, he can sing. Loudly at that. Which is why he’s the lead singer. They need at least someone to carry a tune during a live concert. He’s also the spokesman for the Subaru Car Company.
The tryhard Shotacon :
Don’t want a singer? Into boyish looks and all that kawaii rainbow sugar sweet sweet rotting your teeth weird as fuck stuff? Then Yasuda Shota is the man for you! At an amazing 5’5” (or is it 5’4”, who’s counting here?) you two can have your eternally 15 year old man that can fit inside your closet and change your entire wadrobe into an Olivia Newton John video.
Or maybe a Scissors Sister’s video.
The Pretty Boy:
Need that tall (6’0”), not so dark (he’s a rich spoiled brat), and handsome (look at dat face yo) fellow to blow money on? Well, that goes to Ohkura Tadayoshi. He’s completely useless…. but that’s okay! Because he’s the pretty boy and all he needs to do is simply smile and everything’s okay! He may have the personality of a plank of wood but as long as he’s cute that’s all that matters, right?!
He also sings or something like that… plays drums… yeah.
The Scandalous Whore:
This would have been ” the bad boy “, but you see, all his scandals involve his dick. So, you want a man that seems to get in trouble with his penis, then Ryo Nishikido is the man for you. Not only that, he was in two boybands. Spreadin all that love around the spectrum! Want him to bite you? He totally will! Want to touch his penis, man he’ll let you and then some! Want to take pictures with him? You can do that too! Then he’ll kick you out of a cab with love! He’s so easily accessible and if you’re foreign, even better! He loves foreign chicks!
He also can’t drive which is always a plus.
And apparently he’s the poster child for homosexuality in Germany.
The Adorable/Innocent One:
Like your men squeaky clean with absolutely no scandals with questionable sexuality? Then Maruyama Ryuhei is the perfect man for you! He’s pretty much a walking children’s television show host. But apparently this is just an “act” because his true personality is dark and mysterious. He don’t let no one in his business. But, as they say, if he hasn’t introduced you to his friends you are not his girlfriend or boyfriend where’s da reciepts.
His parents are body builders in case his hasn’t told you this fact.
The Fatass Funny Guy/Idiot:
If you haven’t found the other guys hilarious then Yokoyama Yuu is the man for you. He’s so loud and dumb anything that comes out of those bubblelips is hilarious. Though, apparently, he’s clutching on to this evil mysterious bad boy image and not so funny anymore BUT THAT DOESN’T MATTER BECAUSE HE’LL ALWAYS BE THAT FAT ASS FUNNY GUY. He has this really bad DEER CAUGHT IN HEADLIGHTS thing going on whenever he does a photoshoot. He’s also had a string of terrible haircuts but he’s found the light and decided that bleaching his hair to infinity (LOL GET IT) and perming it is a recipe for disaster. But upon reaching this light he’s became highly relevant (again) in the group so be prepared to share.
The Leader:
Kanjani8 says there’s no leader but that’s a load of bullshit. Shingo Murakami is their “unofficial” leader and the only guy in the group with common sense (this is important folks, remember this). While his teef need some fixin’ and he needs to visit a vocal coach (actually they all do but we’ll disregard that for now) his fucking body is amazing. Like seriously. That body is AMAZING.
Don’t believe me?
I mean, take a look for yourself.
Holy fucking shit god DAMN that body is amazing.
Each member has an assigned color because its just so kawaii! Actually, its because they’re a sentai unit! And they fight crime and all that shit. So, if you can’t tell them apart by looking at them or bother remembering their names then here’s a quick guide for your viewing pleasure!
- Red – Subaru
- Orange – Maru
- Yellow – Ryo
- Blue – Yasu
- Green – Ohkura
- Purple – Hina
- Black – Yoko
3. Can … Johnny…. Kanjoni… Recommend me some music!
Well, if you want some music, I suggest going for the albums because Johnny’s and Associates abuse their fans by releasing 252352523 versions of the same damn song and putting B-sides on them like its a god damn easter egg hunt.
Oh, you want that B-side, dear? Unfortunately, you’re going to have to buy Version A of the limited edition and if you want the access code to the special new spiffy terribly designed 2004-era website then we need you to buy the Version B limited edition and if you want the DVD then you’re going to have to purchase Versions C – D.
But on to the albums!
1. FTO – Funky Town Osaka: Music by Ace of Base with guest vocals by Milli Vanilli and lyrics written C&C Music Factory.
2. Zukkoke Dai Dassou: Music written by Parliament and The Beegees with lyrics written by Aqua.
3. Puzzle: Music by the Spice Girls and Chumbawumba
4. 8Uppers: Music by Len, New Radicals and Vitamin C movie written by Quintin Tarratino and directed by Leonard Nimoy.
5. FIGHT: Music by …idk lol.
Pick your poison, folks. It can only go down hill from here.
Kanjani8’s music from from FTO to Zukkoke Dai Dassou sounds like annoying 90s dance tracks. Singing with random rap thrown in for the “cool effect”. Fortunately for us though, someone realized that singing crappy European dance tracks from the 90s isn’t going to cut it and gave them all instruments to bang on. This gave birth to Puzzle, but unfortunately the album still sounds like late 90s rockpop crap so they decided to take them seriously (aka when the band started making money) and now they don’t sound shitty anymore!
Unless, of course, you enjoy Ace of Base songs.
4. I wanna be in the fandom
Kanjani8 fandom consists of shipping, shipping, shipping and the occasional SUPPORT KANJANI8 but dont buy their music cause we’re poor. Who cares about the music, they’re idols!
So, since Kanjani8 fandom is pretty much shipping lets make up some pairings!
- Yasuba – Yasu x Subaru
- Yokomaru – Yoko x Maru
- Hinamaru – Hina x Maru
- Ohmaru – Ohkura x Maru
- Torn – Ohkura x Ryo
- Yokohina – Yoko x Hina
- Hinabaru – Hina x Subaru
- Ryomaru – Ryo x Maru
- Ryoko – Ryo x Yoko
- Ryobaru – Ryo x Baru
- Ohyasu – Ohkura x Yasu
With this list you, too, can play with all the other fangirls! Show your dedication by writing fanfics and eventually you too will become so enamored you’ll believe this to be real! Go fandom!
5. In Conclusion
Once you get your feet wet, you’ll discover a land of rainbows, terrible singing, acting, and money disappearing magic. Maybe, one day, if you try hard enough you’ll meet the boys personally! But, of course, no one has ever gotten that far — but hey, you can be different! All it takes is enough snooping skills and camping out in front of their apartment buildings for this to be possible!
Good luck, future Eighter!
Note: Don’t take this seriously. I am a die hard Kanjani8 fan of 5 years and spent way too much money on these guys. Its all in fun.